I got the call on Friday night from my midwife to let me know that I have gestational diabetes. Fuck. Well at least I got to be a “normal” pregnant person and enjoy pregnancy for about 9 weeks or so. Bleh. Ugh. Tears. Lot of tears. First many, many years of infertility and now this. I have always been super thin and I eat super well,exclusively organic at home. It just seems so unfair and I feel robbed yet once again.
I took the 2 hr test on Thursday. My fasting level was fine at 70, they told me they like to see it below 92. My 1 hr result was 208, which should be 180 or below. Crap. My 2 hr result was 150 and should be below 152, so my body starting doing what it was supposed to at that point. My midwife kept telling me that she thought everything would be fine and I would be able to manage it through diet and exercise. She said that only one person has had to be transferred and that all of the other mamas have been able to manage it just fine through diet and exercise and have their babies at the birth center. I sure hope I can! I’m so worried about not being able to have a natural birth at the birthing center. I don’t want a c-section. I want my body to do what the fuck it’s supposed to do. I am sick of being in the small percentages of people where things go wrong. I want this baby to be perfectly healthy. I don’t want to have to worry about type II diabetes for the rest of my life. I’m so pissed off at the universe. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn’t. I just want to go back to being blissfully happy every day and enjoying this pregnancy. Now I just want it to go by as quickly as possible and be over with – which just breaks my heart and sends me into spirals of tears all day long. I am just so sad. And the worst part about it is that I am leaving on Wednesday for my trip to NJ to see my family and have my baby shower, so I won’t be able to get out of this limbo until I get back and can meet with a dietician at the Perinatal Associates. Luckily we already go there for ultrasounds so we are already a part of the system and should be able to meet with the dietician/educator pretty quickly. My midwife sent them a referral late on Friday so they should call me Monday to set up an appointment. I know I could exercise more so we’ve started taking walks throughout the day after eating. I did a bunch of research online but it all seems so overwhelming when you don’t have an actual monitor to see what the food does to your individual body. I got the call at about 4:30 pm on Friday and she told me to not worry about doing anything about it until I get back from my trip. I asked her what I should do for now and she said I could focus on adding more exercise. I tried to eat a gestational diabetes diet yesterday in between walks but, like I said, I have no idea if it helped or not because I don’t have a monitor to start assessing my specific needs. I can’t stop crying, am so depressed and overwhelmed, and I just feel like stressing over something I know very little about is a waste of energy. I will keep exercising this week but this morning I’ve decided not to stress myself out with a self-diagnosed diet at this point. The news is upsetting and stressful enough on its own and I don’t need to add to the baby’s stress if I don’t have to. Fuck this. This fucking sucks. Big time. I wish I could stop crying. And I read it can be genetic from both sides, since the placenta is made up of both mine and hubby’s stuff. Not sure if that’s true, but my mother-in-law emailed me yesterday and said she had it when she was pregnant with my husband. I read that if your mother-in-law had it you could have it too. Wish I had known that, if that’s true. It doesn’t really matter now I guess. What’s done is done. But I just wish I was stronger and could stop being so sad and depressed and teary. I feel like I’m grieving the perfect pregnancy I was having. It’s over – no more normalcy for us.