Bliss turned into shit

I got the call on Friday night from my midwife to let me know that I have gestational diabetes. Fuck. Well at least I got to be a “normal” pregnant person and enjoy pregnancy for about 9 weeks or so. Bleh. Ugh. Tears. Lot of tears. First many, many years of infertility and now this. I have always been super thin and I eat super well,exclusively organic at home. It just seems so unfair and I feel robbed yet once again.

I took the 2 hr test on Thursday. My fasting level was fine at 70, they told me they like to see it below 92. My 1 hr result was 208, which should be 180 or below. Crap. My 2 hr result was 150 and should be below 152, so my body starting doing what it was supposed to at that point. My midwife kept telling me that she thought everything would be fine and I would be able to manage it through diet and exercise. She said that only one person has had to be transferred and that all of the other mamas have been able to manage it just fine through diet and exercise and have their babies at the birth center. I sure hope I can! I’m so worried about not being able to have a natural birth at the birthing center. I don’t want a c-section. I want my body to do what the fuck it’s supposed to do. I am sick of being in the small percentages of people where things go wrong. I want this baby to be perfectly healthy. I don’t want to have to worry about type II diabetes for the rest of my life. I’m so pissed off at the universe. I feel guilty, even though I know I shouldn’t. I just want to go back to being blissfully happy every day and enjoying this pregnancy. Now I just want it to go by as quickly as possible and be over with – which just breaks my heart and sends me into spirals of tears all day long. I am just so sad. And the worst part about it is that I am leaving on Wednesday for my trip to NJ to see my family and have my baby shower, so I won’t be able to get out of this limbo until I get back and can meet with a dietician at the Perinatal Associates. Luckily we already go there for ultrasounds so we are already a part of the system and should be able to meet with the dietician/educator pretty quickly. My midwife sent them a referral late on Friday so they should call me Monday to set up an appointment. I know I could exercise more so we’ve started taking walks throughout the day after eating. I did a bunch of research online but it all seems so overwhelming when you don’t have an actual monitor to see what the food does to your individual body. I got the call at about 4:30 pm on Friday and she told me to not worry about doing anything about it until I get back from my trip. I asked her what I should do for now and she said I could focus on adding more exercise. I tried to eat a gestational diabetes diet yesterday in between walks but, like I said, I have no idea if it helped or not because I don’t have a monitor to start assessing my specific needs. I can’t stop crying, am so depressed and overwhelmed, and I just feel like stressing over something I know very little about is a waste of energy. I will keep exercising this week but this morning I’ve decided not to stress myself out with a self-diagnosed diet at this point. The news is upsetting and stressful enough on its own and I don’t need to add to the baby’s stress if I don’t have to. Fuck this. This fucking sucks. Big time. I wish I could stop crying. And I read it can be genetic from both sides, since the placenta is made up of both mine and hubby’s stuff. Not sure if that’s true, but my mother-in-law emailed me yesterday and said she had it when she was pregnant with my husband. I read that if your mother-in-law had it you could have it too. Wish I had known that, if that’s true. It doesn’t really matter now I guess. What’s done is done. But I just wish I was stronger and could stop being so sad and depressed and teary. I feel like I’m grieving the perfect pregnancy I was having. It’s over – no more normalcy for us.

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30 thoughts on “Bliss turned into shit

  1. oh so sorry hun! My cousin had it with her second but she delivered a healthy and happy baby girl. The diet was confusing for her at first until she met with the dietician.

  2. I’m sorry this is happening. I have known plenty of women who have GD but do not have persisting Type 2 DB afterward, some of them even had very severe GD. In fact, of all the women I’ve known who developed GD, all were thin before and ate well, like you. I know you need time to grieve this development and the possible implications. I hope after you take that time that you can take some deep breaths and make some peace with yourself and the universe over this.

    As someone who’s only birth experience in 9 pregnancies was nothing like how I wanted it to be (I developed cholestasis and had to rush to hospital within 1 hour of the phone call telling me the diagnosis for an emergency induction – thankfully my doula was with me and I avoided a C-section and baby was fine throughout, amen), I share with you my perspective that all of the things I didn’t want ultimately didn’t matter so long as baby arrived safely. And in hindsight, I don’t even care that all went to hell in a handbasket with no notice (so little notice, me and baby were at my office trying to tie up loose ends and pass on files two days after the birth – there was no choice and I was exclusively BFing so baby was in tow). Gratitude overwhelmed everything else the second that baby was lying on my chest and I don’t regret or lament anything. ((Hugs))

    • Thank you so much for your comments and sharing your story with me! Success stories make me feel better. And you’re right, all I really care about is getting my healthy, happy baby. Thank you! XXX

  3. I’m so very sorry hon. This news really does suck, but i just wanted to give you a little reassurance… a good friend of mine was diagnosed with GD with her daughter and she was able to manage it with the dietician, and had a natural delivery the way she wanted. Her daughter was born within the normal weight range and very healthy. I know it will be very hard, but I hope you can relax and take it easy while you’re away and enjoy your baby shower. Saying extra prayers you get a good plan in place when you get back and get some reassurance in the upcoming weeks. Big hug!

  4. I’m doing my test this week and who knows I might join you. I know many people who have had it and all managed fine. It’s not a health thing, it’s a hormone thing an unless you are extremely unhealthy it has nothing to do with you. It was going to happen anyways. But your baby is healthy and safe so dont worry. If you eat healthy and exercise you are probably already doing all you need to. πŸ™‚ do not worry, this is not uncommon and baby will be fine!

    • Good luck on your test! I pray you don’t have to join me πŸ™‚ Thank you so much for that reassurance – I really, truly appreciate it!!!!!

  5. Oh, doll, I am so sorry! I hope that the diet/exercise is exactly what you need to control this crap! And I really hope the appt will give you a chance to feel in control again! Hugs, lady!

  6. Hey, I had GD and was on insulin too. Its not a big deal. Make sure you walk as much as you can after each meal and count the carbs obsessively. You will be fine. Take it as a positive, it means your baby is producing lots of progesterone and is healthy. There is no need to be induced as long as you dont cross 40 weeks. Stay positive, stress affects sugar levels in the body.

  7. Sorry to hear that you have GD, I probably should be following a GD type diet since my 1 hour was borderline. Try as much as you can to enjoy your baby shower, I’m sure everything will work out for you. Thinking of you!

  8. I had GD with my rainbow. I’m fine now. I also had GD with my twins that were born too early and I lost them. Csections are not bad. I’ve had two. All that matters is your baby is healthy and alive, not how they got here. Be it vaginal or c-section. When you talk about your birthday, you never say I was born mm/dd/yyyy via vaginally delivery/csection πŸ˜‰

  9. Im going to be honest here, GD totally sucked a big one for me. I did everything right, followed the dieticians guidelines, etc. It went full blown GD. Insulin injections & the whole bit. I worried 100% of the time. How could I not, right? I am fine now, my baby is fine. Like, poof- its gone. I did deliver via c-section, but my baby was also breech. And weighed 7.03, not the 15lbs I had prepared myself for.
    GD was the LAST thing I wanted. I was upset about itthe entire time. I hope you handle it better than me. Because the bottom line is, all we can do is the best we can with what we have. Same as with IF. I really wish I could have ‘gotten’ this before.
    Because no matter what, when you hold your baby, ‘poof’ everything will go away. All the GD bullshit, the c-section, or whatever.
    On the other hand, I do think I gained much less weight than I would have w/o the diagnosis.
    I hope I don’t seem like an asshole. I just had to respond to this. I took the news as hard as you did.

    • I totally appreciate your honesty and definitely do NOT think you are an asshole!!! Actually, quite the opposite. When I found out, the first thing I did was go to your blog and reread your experiences. Your baby is absolutely perfect and adorable and although you had a very rough pregnancy, it was most reassuring to see that everything turned out beautifully. So thank you for all of your posts and for your comments on mine! Hugs!!!

      • You will get through this! I KNOW it is not ideal, but it is totally doable! I thought about this all morning, and if I could tell my past (3 month ago) self anything it would be that. This is doable, so just do it. It will be the past very soon! Hang in there!

  10. I’m sorry to hear you have GD. Honestly, I would probably be just as upset as you are. Hopefully the positive stories shared here have helped calm your worries a bit. ((hugs))

  11. I’m so sorry! Yes, as jonsie13 states, it does suck and everything you are feeling is completely normal and you need to give yourself time to grieve for your “normal” pregnancy. I felt the exact same way- why the hell did this happen to me after all I did to get pregnant?!? I also generally love being pregnant but after the diagnosis most of the time I just wanted to get to delivery day. The diet itself wasn’t the miserable part to me, though eating on a schedule took some getting used to. The most frustrating part is when you do everything right and numbers still turn out wonky and you worry more about the baby and delivering a beast -this was my case, I ended up needing the oral meds, I know jonsie was the same way and needed insulin, you could very well do it on diet alone but just know that can happen and if it does it is NOT your fault. It IS all hormones and the placentas we are dealt and we can only control things to a certain point. Your baby will be just fine, I am sure of it, based on following your blog and getting a feel for your lifestyle. I was induced since I am a small person and baby was measuring a little big for my frame, but just a week early, things went super and I still delivered a healthy baby girl, 7#6.5oz, vaginally! I didn’t have GD with my firstborn and there wasn’t a whole lot of difference between either of my labors, just an extra finger stick (and yes, my GD baby was significantly bigger but my first was tiny in general)! My sister also had GD, controlled only by diet, delivered on her due date (not induced) a healthy boy, 7#1oz. I find success stories to help a lot so had to throw those in for ya! πŸ™‚ Good luck! I know you’ll be just fine though!

  12. Hey, I hear you. I was just diagnosed last week as well. I had my appointment today and I keep vacillating between rational self and a big fat BOOOOOO. Solidarity sister.

    • I’m feeling better but am vacillating between those two as well. But reality is taking over and I am able to keep thanking the universe for the blessing growing inside me and how grateful I am to be pregnant. It’s just another obstacle to deal with but we’ll all be just fine in the end.

  13. I know exactly how you are feeling, between my blood clot, my bout of pneumonia and then bleeding in the final few weeks, and the horrendous carpal tunnel pain during and after pregnancy (making it so hard to hold my baby the first few days)….I decided throughout, to look at all these things as tests of my faith, and that there was a reason for all of this…I have a beautiful and healthy baby girl… There are always going to be ups and downs!!!! We’ve learned that throughout our journeys!!! Just keep the faith that it’s all going to be ok!!!! Prayers and hugs sent your way!!!!

  14. I can’t speak from experience, but I can sympathize. I’ve interacted with lots of ladies over the past couple of months dealing with the same diagnosis you are. I can imagine it’s incredibly frustrating, but it’s not any sort failure. It’s simply one more challenge that you and Keytar will face together, and it will make you stronger. Take it one day at a time, and remember that this is nothing compared to what you’ve already been through, nor is it in anything in comparison to the joy you’ll feel when you hold Keytar in your arms! Sending hugs your way!

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