Well, it’s been quite an interesting weekend. Friday afternoon and evening was a shit show around here. Yelling at and questioning the universe. You know the drill, the “Why the fuck is this so unfair?”, “Why us?”, “What the hell did we do wrong? I don’t even believe in karma anymore! We’re good people! What the hell?”, and screaming “I don’t understand!!!” madness that ensues when things like this happen to good people. There were a lot of tears by me, enough googling to prepare me for another miscarriage and possible ectopic pregnancy, as well as drive me insane, and there was a lot of sleeping on the couch by my husband (that’s his way of dealing – escape). I stayed awake long enough to have my PIO injection and then crashed for the night.
On Saturday morning I woke up crying and we laid in bed for a bit wallowing in our misery. We finally decided to get up and shower. While I was in the shower I thought a good way to spend our day would be to paint the baseboards, a task we never finished when we repainted our house a few years ago. My husband had a better idea though, to get out of the house and go driving through the desert. There’s a dirt road that connects North 14 to I-25, just north of our house and just north of the Sandia Mountains. We have always wanted to find the road so we thought that today would be the perfect day for this adventure. We picked up some breakfast burritos from Burger Boy, a local family-owned greasy spoon, and hit the road.
As we drove up the Turquoise Trail (North 14) we weren’t entirely sure where we were going but we didn’t care. Finally, a few minutes later, we found the turn off we were looking for at the USPS metal mailboxes, next to the shitty mobile homes with the chain linked fence with barbed wire. We headed west down the dusty and dirty road, soon to be stuck behind two semi trucks with some Bobcat bulldozers on the beds. We didn’t care. We drove slowly in their dust. We were in no rush. The New Mexican desert landscape is so gorgeous and we were feeling peaceful.
As we headed through the desert we talked about moving back to New Jersey or to Massachusetts for IVF insurance coverage and about the next phase of our journey. We speculated about job and house rental possibilities. Even though we have 2 frozen embryos left, we’re not feeling any confidence in them at this point – it seems as though the DNA fragmentation probably affected all of our embryos and we now imagine they are all chromosomally abnormal. We have been talking about embryo adoption/ donor embryo for awhile now, and decide we would like to move forward with that route, probably starting by transferring our two last frozen embryos and one donated embryo. Hopefully, we would get a baby out of that round, while we prepare to head back to the east coast. Or, maybe we could get jobs and actually be ready to move over the summer to start new jobs in the fall. Anyway, planning the next step always makes me feel better, so that’s what we talked about as we drove through the desert dust.
We followed the trucks to the pipeline access area where they turned off the road. One of the drivers headed over to talk to us. We stopped in the road and rolled down the window. The driver apologized for all of the dust and asked if this road goes all the way to Bernalillo. We told him we weren’t sure but believed it did. We asked about the pipelines, because we’ve been wondering what they carry for a long time now, but all the man could tell us is that it is liquid. Anyway, we continued up the road a bit, finally realizing that we had made a wrong turn and were heading south, back toward North 14 and home. We turned around and headed back to the fork in the road where the truckers had stopped. They were getting ready to leave so we told them where that road led, and we took the other road at the fork, heading west yet again.
We drove through the desert, admiring the arroyos, hills, mountains, rock formations, gullies, the blue sky, and the gorgeous weather. All of a sudden we noticed some incredibly gorgeous ruins camouflaged into the hills. The longer we looked, the more ruins we spotted. The buildings looked like an old factory and we were enticed by their mysterious beauty and magical location. We pulled over, parked, and decided we wanted to go check them out. There was a barbed wire fence, some tires that read “Keep Out!” and “No Trespassing!” but we decided that today we didn’t care. I said, “Whatever, so shoot me. I don’t care today.” My husband felt the same way. We needed to take this adventure, it was calling for us. It was like we had to…
Ducking under the barbed wire fence, we trespassed onto the land and hiked through the fine sand and over the smooth river rocks, following the dry river bed to the path up to the ruins. We explored the buildings, finding more and more as we continued up the path. We speculated about the business that once took place there and imagined what it was like when it was up and running, with water filling the dry river beds, running through the desert hills. Just as I was feeling like we should head back to the car, I noticed a white pickup truck driving down the road. I pointed it out to my husband but he wasn’t concerned. I was. We watched the truck and it pulled over next to our car. Crap. My husband said, “I think it’s a cop.” We stood there, pretty far away, watching the truck as a man opened the door and said something to whoever was with him. We stood there and stared, finally realizing that the man seemed to be standing there possibly staring right back at us. We took a few steps and stood behind a Juniper tree, still watching the vehicle. We decided they were not going anywhere and we might as well face our fate. We wondered if we would get a ticket or be arrested. I only sort of cared.
As we walked down the path, a cowboy and his dog appeared, almost eerily, next to a large Juniper tree. We certainly did not see him walk up the path. My husband, said, “Hey there.” The man, said, “You know, there’s no trespassing on this land. The owner doesn’t want anyone up here. He’d spend a million dollars to win a lawsuit for a couple thousand bucks.” We apologized. My husband said, “Yea, we know. We’re sorry, we just couldn’t help ourselves.” I explained that I’m an artist who draws broken-down buildings and ruins. The cowboy, wearing binoculars around his neck, said, “No problem. I would have done the same thing.” My husband said, “Well we’re gonna get the hell out of here but first, can you tell us a little bit about this place?” The cowboy, Tom, introduced himself and we introduced ourselves as well. We ended up spending the next twenty minutes, at least, standing in the desert listening to this man spill his guts about the history of the ruins and coal mines, the land, the wild horses, his horses, and his history and current job – all the while conveying obvious spiritual messages to us, as if he were a prophet sent to us specifically on this day at this moment. He explained that he and the other man in the truck are making a film about the wild horses on the land. He talked about balance. He told us that he was raised by sheep herders and grew up following the grass from Utah to Colorado and back, speaking jumbled English, Spanish, French, Navajo, and Basque because of the sheep herders. He told us about some petroglyphs in the area and asked us to follow him up the road to show us some of them.
As we drove up the road, following him, my husband and I didn’t say too much as we were both mesmerized by what was happening. The truck pulled over and we got out of our car. The cowboy, Tom, was being miked up in the truck, and then his sidekick, Will, hopped out of the driver’s seat with a hardcore professional video camera. Tom’s dog, Slick, was very friendly and obviously adored the scent of my three female dogs on my pants, smelling me, kissing me, giving me his paws, and standing up on his hind legs, hugging my chest as I gave him a good ol’ scratchin’. Tom continued where he left off at the ruins, telling us stories of the past, showing us petroglyphs (mainly fertility symbols and images of women giving birth), and conveying numerous spiritual messages. His messages reminded us to “Follow the Grass”, “Live day to day”, that “we are insignificant”, that the universe is in control, how important it is to live simply, many reminders about “balance”, among other things we are still wrapping our minds around and uncovering from the hidden messages.
We spent a couple hours in the middle of the desert. Time did not seem to pass as we were enveloped by God’s nature and the lessons we were sent. I could feel tears welling up at moments as the cowboy (prophet?!) spoke, his words and lessons resonating in my soul. We were in heaven. It was pure bliss. Will, the cowboy’s ranch hand/ videographer/ sidekick, filmed us the entire time – boy do I wish we had a copy of that videotape! As we blocked the road, not a soul came by, including the semi trucks from earlier, until another pickup truck came from the opposite direction – another cowboy, who knew Will and Tom well. This man spoke about horses, smoked cigarettes with his young boy in the front seat, and yelled at his dog “Bandit” to stop barking. We all hung out for a bit, Tom gave us his phone number, Will said, “Welcome to the Diamondtail Ranch” and we hopped back in our vehicles and parted ways.
After my husband and I got back in the car we just sat there for a minute, looked at each other, and we both babbled to each other, completely blown away by the experience and trying to make sense of it. We both felt that we had just experienced a spiritual reawakening, like a prophet had been sent to us. We both felt like we had just lived through our own “Celestine Prophecy”. We were “experiencing life as a spiritual unfolding, a journey in which we are led forward by mysterious coincidences.” We couldn’t wrap our heads around it all. We talked about the fertility symbols, his comments about “Following the grass”, and other messages that he had conveyed to us.
We continued driving away from Diamondtail Ranch, now through San Felipe Indian reservation, and ended up in the back parking lot of Hollywood Casino (the San Felipe reservation casino on I-25, about 25 miles north of Albuquerque). The casino was closed on this Saturday afternoon, and as soon as we pulled into the gas station to fill my tires, a PT cruiser pulled up next to us. The window rolled down and two San Felipe Native American cops told us we could not be on the land today and asked us if we were getting air. We told them we had just come through the Diamondtail Ranch and needed some air in our tires. They said, “Ok” and pulled away. We drove through the deserted parking lot, it must have been a spiritual/ religious day or something, and another Native cop opened up a road block for us and we exited the deserted land. We drove south on I-25 toward Albuquerque and decided to go to Coronado State Monument, since it was a gorgeous day and we had never been there before.
As we drove, we both felt calm and peaceful. We headed to Coronado State Monument and walked on the pathway, deciding not to pay for the museum and to only use the restrooms that were outside. As we walked the pathway, a Native man stood on the dirt very spiritually and as if he was waiting for us. I said, “Hello.” He said, “Hello, how are you?” I said, “good thanks, how are you? What are you planting?” (I had noticed that the ground was wet in some garden beds and thought he was planting.) He said, “Oh I just finished a clay firing and was taking photos of my work. I just finished putting them away. Would you like to see one?” We said we would if it wasn’t too much of a hassle. He showed us a gorgeous, but fractured, shallow bowl. It was white with a black painting of a bull head silhouette. He referred to it as “contemporary old style.” I told him we were artists and we chatted about art, as well as some other things for a bit. He spoke to us in a calm and spiritual way and again we felt like he was there for us. He told us his name was Ulysses Lou Reid. My husband asked him if that was a coincidence or not. The man replied, “I guess it’s some sort of coincidence.” We were both blown away. Lou Reed is an important figure in our life, with “Sweet Jane” being our song as a couple, and The Velvet Underground playing a huge part in the beginning of our relationship 13+ years ago. In addition to that, Reid is my husband’s middle name, and the name we have consistently returned to for our future son’s name. We looked him up later that night to find out he spelled Reid just like my husband’s name. (Please don’t steal our name!!! 😉 ) And then of course, Ulysses has many of its own meanings: hero of the Odyssey, who spent 10 years trying to get home to Ithaca (which is funny, because we’ve talked about moving to Ithaca for many, many years), etc. etc. etc. Anyway, the spiritual man (almost like a spirit himself), ended the conversation saying, “Ok, I think we’re done here. Very nice to meet you.” I told him to enjoy the beautiful day and he disappeared. My husband and I walked down by the Rio Grande River, through the fine beach sand, and stood in the midst of nature once again. We could not see or hear anything man made and we allowed the sound of the river water to wash over us as we stood between the dunes, ancient cottonwoods trees, and below the towering Sandia Mountains. It was the perfect end to a perfect day.
This all happened on Saturday. After a nice dinner, followed by a relaxing night on the couch with my husband while watching a movie, we both continued to seek out and wrap our minds around the messages, feeling a sense of peace. Yesterday morning, Sunday, I awoke with a sense of peace still surrounding me. We went to the lab to have my blood drawn so we could get the results this morning instead of waiting all day today. We spent the rest of the day continuing to feel the beauty and holding onto the lessons of the day before. Now, today, on Monday, I am able to continue to live in the moment and allow the universe to hold me in this blanket of peace. My 3rd beta results are still rising slowly but did jump a little.
According to: http: //www.babymed.com/tools/hcg-calculator
On Friday my beta was 230, from 153 on Wednesday, (47.5 hours in between) = a total hcg difference of 50%, a doubling time of 80.77 hours, and a 51% 2-day increase. (Pretty bleak news!!!!)
On Sunday my beta rose to 396. (50 hours in between) = a total hcg difference of 72.2%, a doubling time of 63.79 hours, and 68.3% 2-day increase.
So obviously my beta #3 is better, but still not good. So basically we’re still in limbo and we won’t know anything for at least a week and a day. I will stay on my meds, needing to order POI yet again, and have an ultrasound next Tuesday, at 5 weeks 6 days. So basically we could be looking at any of the following:
-an ectopic (although my nurse said she’s only seen that twice in all the time she’s been there and my numbers are suggesting that is not the case as far as she thinks)
-a blighted ovum (which is my prediction)
-possibly two embryos implanted but only one is growing
-or things could be fine (certainly not what I’m expecting!)
So, I’m pretty sure we have no good coming out of this but I am at peace with it all right now. Of course I wish things were black and white and I’d like this to all be over as soon as possible, without dragging it out for weeks and/or needing surgery, but it’s out of my control. There is nothing I did to deserve this and nothing I can do to change this. Of course I will continue to pray and try to manifest a healthy baby, but I have to expect the worst at this point. I am thankful that the universe answered our calls from Friday night!
As the Celestine Prophecy enlightened me many years ago as an 18 year old, I have been reminded now:
– To experience my life as a spiritual unfolding, a journey in which I am led forward by mysterious coincidences.
– To allow this awakening to represent the creation of a new, more complete worldview, which replaces a five-hundred-year-old preoccupation with secular survival and comfort. While this technological preoccupation was an important step, my awakening to life’s coincidences is opening me up to the real purpose of human life on this planet, and the real nature of our universe.
– To experience the universe as dynamic energy. Everything still existing is a field of sacred energy that I can sense and intuit. I will project my energy by focusing my attention in the desired direction…where attention goes, energy flows…influencing other energy systems and increasing the pace of coincidences in my life.
– To not cut myself off from the greater source of this energy and so feel weak and insecure.
– that insecurity ends when I experience an inner connection with divine energy within, a connection described by mystics of all traditions. A sense of lightness–buoyancy–along with the constant sensation of love are measures of this connection. If these measures are present, the connection is real. If not, it is only pretended.
– To stay more connected, because the more I am acutely aware of those times when I lose connection, usually when I am under stress, the more I can see my own particular way of stealing energy from others. Once my manipulations are brought to personal awareness, my connection becomes more constant and I can discover my own growth path in life, and my spiritual mission–the personal way I can contribute to the world.
– that my personal mission further enhances the flow of mysterious coincidences as I am guided toward my destinies. First I have a question; then dreams, daydreams, and intuitions lead me towards the answers, which usually are synchronistically provided by the wisdom of another human being.